My Experience with Suicide: by Bruce Walton

Bruce Walton has been a communications specialist at FrontLine Service since 2020.

I’m going to tell you about the time I thought about taking my own life, and how a crisis hotline talked me down from doing it.  

At 14 years old, after being insulted and berated by my then therapist, I had an inescapable feeling that I didn’t want to live anymore. That evening, my mother caught me trying to cut myself with a steak knife.  

Eleven years later, I was a college student drowning in project and exam deadlines. I was spending less time with my friends and I felt extremely alone. One day I woke up and laid in bed for over an hour thinking about what would happen if I killed myself.  

Not wanting to live anymore is a unique experience. But having the desire to end your own life is even more difficult to describe. At first, depression and suicidal ideation come through as passing thoughts. But then those thoughts take root in the back of your mind until they spread to every thought you carry. You daydream about your funeral, what people would say about you, distorting how no one will miss you.  

That morning lying in bed, the thoughts consumed me in a way I had never felt before. I couldn’t banish those thoughts as they grew in my mind and took away my agency. I wanted someone to help, but I didn’t know how to ask or who to turn to. It paralyzed me at first, but I knew if it lingered any longer it could move me to do the unthinkable.  

Desperate, I reached for my phone and called the National Suicide Prevention Hotline, now known as the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. I spoke with a kind woman named Beth who listened to my thoughts and feelings and made me feel a lot better about everything I was going through. After the call, I felt like I could move again. I went on to graduate from college and start my career. Eventually, my career led me to FrontLine Service, a nonprofit organization that—among other vital services—works to prevent suicide and resolve mental health crises. 

I’ve always been open about my struggle with suicide. It’s important that we destigmatize talking about these intrusive thoughts of self-harm or suicide. I’ve had to deal with depression and suicidal ideation since I was 14 years old, and though I’m in a much better place, they never fully leave me.  

Some days are harder than others, but most days are much easier. I have a loving wife, a supportive group of friends, and a loving family who would do anything to make sure that I am safe and happy. I’ve had much worse days than that one, and I haven’t been anywhere close to harming myself. 

I have lost friends to suicide, some whom I didn’t even know suffered from suicidal ideation. Sometimes I feel like if I had shared my experiences more, maybe they would have confided in me about their struggle. I don’t blame myself, but the least I can do for them, and myself, is to share my story. 

As the communications specialist at FrontLine Service, I am humbled by my colleagues who answer the phone to support people on their worst days. Every day, I’m proud to come home from work at an agency that staffs Cuyahoga County’s 24/7 crisis hotline, much like the one that talked me away from suicide when I was younger. 

FrontLiner Profiles reflect the views of the person interviewed.  
They do not necessarily reflect the view of FrontLine Service. 

If you or someone you know may be struggling with thoughts of suicide or self harm, call or text the 24/7 Suicide & LifeLine Crisis 988 or chat online here.